Communicating
About Sex
The Nature of
Communication


The ability to communicate is important in
developing & maintaining relationships
Communication: a transactional process
Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures,
movements
 Goal of establishing human contact: exchanging
information, and reinforcing or changing attitudes
& behaviors

Contexts of Communication

Cultural context


Social context


the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which
communication takes place
the roles we play in society
Psychological context

how people communicate based on their
personalities
The Effects of Culture on
Communication



Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
Men and women from the US disclose
more personal information in their
communication than men and women from
some Asian cultures
“Low-context” cultures vs. “high context”
cultures
Types of Communication:
More Than Words

Nonverbal communication
comprises the bulk of our communication
 is expressed in various cultural forms
 adds to verbal communication
 Can be less threatening than verbal, but also
more likely to be misunderstood
Women are better at deciphering nonverbal
communication, and use more eye contact, head
nods, smiles, and touches than men


Types of Communication:
More Than Words (Cont.)

Computer mediated communication
Women are more expressive, use emoticons
 Allows focus on emotional intimacy, rather
than physical attraction
 Online intimacy problematic if they become
compulsive in their use of the internet
 Online infidelity typically with people happy in
a relationship; due to personality traits

Nonverbal Communication

The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal
communication is important in relationships


Most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal
Three important factors:
Proximity: nearness in physical space
 Eye contact: a symbol of interest
 Touching: signals intimacy, closeness


Women are better at decoding and translating
nonverbal communication
The Importance of
Communication


Communication cultivates emotional
intimacy, understanding, love
Relationship problems often due to poor
communication, creating anger &
frustration
Poor communication skills
 Lack of self-disclosure
 Poor listening skills

Enriching Your Sexuality: It’s Not
Mind Reading



Importance of Communication
Honesty and Openness
Pay Attention to Nonverbal Behavior Too
Gender Differences in Partner
Communication




Women send clearer messages to their
partners than men do
Men more than women tend to send negative
messages or withdraw
Women tend to set the emotional tone of an
argument
Women tend to use more qualifiers in their
style of speaking
How Women and Men
Communicate


Conversations with the opposite sex are
typically harder than with same sex groups
Genderlects – fundamental differences in
how men and women communicate
Men see a hierarchical world with need to
maintain status; may interpret comments as
challenges to defend; “report-talk”
 Women: a relational world to connect in and
avoid isolation; “rapport-talk”

How Women and Men
Communicate (Cont.)



Each believes the other sex interrupts more
Men are more likely to interrupt
Men tend to speak one at a time, and
another comment is considered an
interruption


When men interrupt they expect to be the
primary speaker
Women use overlapping talk, where
another interjects but does not take over in
How Women and Men
Communicate (Cont.)



Women and men differ in their topics of
discussion
Male-typical talk: slang, money, business,
time, space, quantity, destructive actions,
motion, objects, hostile verbs
Female-typical talk: supportive, polite,
expressive, home, family, feelings,
evaluations, interpretations, psychological
states
Theories in Gender Differences



Biological
Psychological
Social roles
The Effects of Sexual Orientation
on Communication



Most communication research deals with
heterosexuals
Gay men’s speech more commonly includes more
qualifying adjectives, a wider-than-usual pitch
range, extended vowel length, a tendency to
avoid reduced forms of speech, and more
gesticulation compared to HTM
Lesbians use more hedge words and a narrower
pitch range than gay men
Developing Communication
Skills


Generally, poor communication skills precede
relationship problems
First step in better communication: selfawareness

Recognizing tendencies to
Suppress “unacceptable” feelings
 Deny our feelings
 Displace or project our feelings

Communicating More Effectively



Make sure you and your partner have the
time and energy to communicate well
before you begin a conversation
Limit the use of tag questions, they can
indicate uncertainty and be misunderstood
Pay attention to your and your partner’s
nonverbal cues
Communicating More Effectively
(Cont.)

Self-disclosure deepens intimacy and
feelings of love as you share and grow as a
couple
It is critical in a healthy relationship
 Women tend to self-disclose more
 Too much disclosure too soon is risky


Asking for what you need
Many people are insecure about sex
 Honesty is essential to avoid unhappiness

Keys to Good
Communication:

Self-disclosure




Creates the environment for mutual understanding
Helps us discover who we are
Must be reciprocal
Trust

A belief in the reliability and integrity of the person




Relationship must be likely to continue
Behavior must be predictable
Each person must have options
Feedback

The ongoing process of restating, checking accuracy,
questioning, and clarifying messages
Listening, Expressing Criticism,
and Nonconstructive
Communication

Most relationships have too much
criticism, not enough listening and positive
comments
The Importance of Listening


Nondefensive listening – without being
defensive, focus attention on your
partner’s concerns
Active listening – nonverbal
communication that assures your partner
you are attentive


Eye contact, head nods, “um hum”
Know your partner’s buttons and avoid
pushing them
The Importance of Listening


Nondefensive listening – without being
defensive, focus attention on your
partner’s concerns
Active listening – nonverbal
communication that assures your partner
you are attentive


Eye contact, head nods, “um hum”
Know your partner’s buttons and avoid
pushing them
The Importance of Listening
(Cont.)



When your partner is finished, summarize
and validate their thoughts
Take caution in interpreting a message that
may not be perceived correctly, but altered
due to mood state or the state of your
relationship with the person
Women listen for details, men listen for the
bottom line and/or what action is required
to resolve a situation
Nonconstructive Communication:
Don’t Yell at Me!

Many communication mistakes can lead to
conflicts:

Overgeneralizations (“always”, “never”)

Be specific about complaints
Name-calling/Stereotyping words
 Digging up the past
 Overkill
 Including too many issues in the talk
 Yelling/Screaming

Nonconstructive Communication:
Don’t Yell at Me! (Cont.)


During disagreements, happy couples have
positive thoughts about their partner
After a conflict,
Women tend to try to reestablish closeness
 Men tend to withdraw


Know which issues can be resolved, and
which cannot
Sexual Communication

In established relationships

initiating sexual activity
For heterosexuals: men typically initiate more often
 In same-sex relationships: typically the more
emotionally expressive partner initiates

Talking About Sex

Obstacles to sexual discussions
Lack of models for talking about sex
 Risk of being thought of as sexually obsessive, or
bad
 May believe that talking about sex threatens
relationship
 Lack of a comfortable sexual vocabulary

Talking with Your Partner about
Sex




Most couples initiate and consent to sex
nonverbally
It is difficult to talk about sex
Each person’s desires are unique and need
to be communicated
Good lovers know how to communicate
and listen
Conflict and Intimacy

Conflict is natural in intimate relationships
A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a
relationship
 Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in which
it is handled that can hurt or help relationship

Conflicts about Sex

Fighting about sex
Can result from a disagreement about sex
 Can also be used as a “scapegoat” for nonsexual
problems
 Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as
inadequacy


It’s hard to tell during a fight if there are
deeper causes
Sexuality and Power Conflicts

Destructive tactics used to gain power:



Withholding sex
Forcing sex
Unequal power relationships can be changed


It is not easy once embedded in the structure of the
relationship
Talking, attempting to understand, and negotiating are the
best approaches
Conflict Resolution

The way couples deal with conflict reflects and
contributes to their happiness

Strategies for conflict resolution
Summarizing
 Paraphrasing
 Validation
 Clarification

Negotiating Conflicts

Agreement as a gift


Bargaining


Either partner has right to freely agree with the other
without coercion
Making compromises to create the most equitable deal for
both partners
Coexistence

Allowing irresolvable differences to be lived with
I Like You and I Like Myself




You need to feel good about yourself in
order to be sexually healthy
The media creates the “ideal body”
Self-esteem is related to emotional and
mental health
Having self-acceptance, autonomy, selfefficacy, and resilience will aid in
maintaining good sexual relationships
What Makes a Good Lover?






Sensitivity to their partner’s needs
Able to communicate own desires
Patient
Caring
Confident
Keep in mind that men and women can
have different views of the same sexual
behaviors and techniques
Key Points


Communication is the basis for good sex and
good relationships
Communication and intimacy are reciprocal:
communication creates intimacy
 intimacy creates good communication
