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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Ben Roethlisberger Relieved To Suffer
Football-Related Injury
October 25, 2006 | Onion Sports
ATLANTA—Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who survived life-threatening injuries as a
result of a motorcycle accident during the pre-season and endured an emergency appendectomy in early
October, was relieved Sunday to suffer a serious traumatic injury during the course of a football game. "I think
things are definitely starting to get back to norb... to nurm... to normal," said a barely conscious
Roethlisberger, who suffered a concussion as a result of a helmet-to-helmet collision during the third quarter
of Pittsburgh's game against the Atlanta Falcons. "It was nice to be on the sidelines, in pain, and in full
uniform all at the same time, for once." Roethlisberger added that his experiences off the football field have
taught him a valuable lesson, and had he not been wearing a regulation helmet during Sunday's game, he
could be dead right now.
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Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay
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October 25, 2006
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Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series
October 25, 2006
Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign
October 19, 2006
Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor
October 19, 2006
●
Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is
October 19, 2006
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Ben Roethlisberger Relieved To Suffer
Football-Related Injury
October 25, 2006 | Issue 42•43
ATLANTA—Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who survived life-threatening injuries
as a result of a motorcycle accident during the pre-season and endured an emergency appendectomy in
early October, was relieved Sunday to suffer a serious traumatic injury during the course of a football
game. "I think things are definitely starting to get back to norb... to nurm... to normal," said a barely
conscious Roethlisberger, who suffered a concussion as a result of a helmet-to-helmet collision during
the third quarter of Pittsburgh's game against the Atlanta Falcons. "It was nice to be on the sidelines, in
pain, and in full uniform all at the same time, for once." Roethlisberger added that his experiences off the
football field have taught him a valuable lesson, and had he not been wearing a regulation helmet during
Sunday's game, he could be dead right now.
© Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Portland Trail Blazers Get Hint After Being
Left Off 2006-07 NBA Schedule
October 25, 2006 | Onion Sports
PORTLAND, OR—Claiming that it would "just make an awkward situation even worse," Portland Trail
Blazers head coach Nate McMillan said in a press conference last Sunday that he and his team "got the hint"
after noticing his team's conspicuous absence on the 2006-07 NBA schedule, and will not make any attempt
to play a basketball game this year. "At first we thought that they were giving us the first week off, but after
looking at the schedule for the rest of the year, we understood what was going on," said McMillan, adding that
after last year's league-worst 21-62 record, he thought this might be coming. "I feel we deserved to find out
differently, maybe a phone call, but if they don't want us there, fine. We'll just have to find something else to
do." League officials said in a statement yesterday that they appreciated the way the Trail Blazers were
handling this, adding that the Atlanta Hawks and the New York Knicks have "been acting like a bunch of
babies about the whole thing."
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October 19, 2006
●
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October 19, 2006
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October 19, 2006
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Michael Vick Credits Increased Passing
Accuracy To Using His Right Hand
November 2, 2006 | Onion Sports
ATLANTA—Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, whose passing improved dramatically over the past two weeks
as he completed 66 percent of his passes and threw for seven touchdowns, claims his newfound accuracy
came from his decision to throw the ball right-handed. "I just sort of got in the habit of carrying the ball in my
left hand, and I just used my right hand for stiff-arming people," said Vick, who completed a remarkable 20 of
28 passes to his pleasantly stunned receivers in the October 29 game against the Bengals. "Do you know, a lot
of people mistakenly thought I was left-handed? I guess that's my fault." Vick added that his fumble against
Cincinnati was due to his not knowing that it was, in fact, legal to carry the ball in both hands.
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Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay
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October 25, 2006
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Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series
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Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign
October 19, 2006
Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor
October 19, 2006
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run
Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of
Sunday's Tampa Bay Game
October 25, 2006 | Onion Sports
NEW YORK—Giants running back Tiki Barber, who had earlier announced his retirement pending the end of
the 2006-07 NFL season, advanced his timetable for retirement to a specific play in the Giants' upcoming
game against the Buccaneers. "By the midpoint of the third quarter of Sunday's game, I intend to take the
handoff from [quarterback] Eli [Manning], cut inside the right tackle, and bounce to the outside to avoid
linebacker Derrick Brooks," said Barber, who otherwise plans to treat Sunday "just like any other game."
"Once in the open field, I'll avoid pursuit by my brother Ronde and go out on top by retiring from football in
front of my family and the world's greatest fans." After taking his final bows and shaking the hands of all
players and coaches present, Barber plans to change into a stylish but understated gray suit, and return to the
sidelines, where he will interview himself for ESPN.
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Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor
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October 19, 2006
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Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign
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Zdeno Chara Out Two To Three Periods With Fractured Skull, Broken Leg
October 19, 2006
Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung
October 12, 2006
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World
Series
October 25, 2006 | Onion Sports
COLBERT, GA—Country vocalist Kenny Rogers repeatedly and vehemently denied rumors that he engaged in
cheatin' behavior during Game 2 of the World Series Sunday night, which he maintains he watched on TV at
his friend Randy's house across town despite anonymous eyewitnesses placing him at the Lincoln Park Motor
Inn with an unknown red-haired woman. "C'mon, honey, you have to believe in me, here," Rogers said from
the front lawn of his estate while dodging clothing and personal possessions thrown at him from the secondfloor windows of his house by Wanda Miller, his wife of nine years. "I had a few beers and, you know, decided
to take my time getting home, is all. Honey?" Suspicion initially settled on Rogers when a visual inspection
seemed to reveal a "tacky" stain on the multiple-Grammy-award winner's hands.
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Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor
October 19, 2006
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Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is
October 19, 2006
●
●
Zdeno Chara Out Two To Three Periods With Fractured Skull, Broken Leg
October 19, 2006
Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung
October 12, 2006
●
Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks
October 12, 2006
See All From the Sports Wire
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs
Manager Is To Resign
October 19, 2006 | Onion Sports
CHICAGO—During his formal introduction as Cubs manager Tuesday, Lou Piniella announced that his first
and only managerial decision will be to step down immediately and permanently from his new position—a
bold, unexpected move that he successfully carried out just moments later. "My time in Chicago has been
great, and it feels like it was just yesterday that I started this job, but I truly believe that this move will give me
a better opportunity to win," Piniella said at the press conference while ceremoniously removing a Cubs hat
and jersey. "I'm very excited about leaving this team." After the announcement, Cubs GM Jim Hendry praised
Piniella's sound judgment and pure baseball instinct, saying that "his ability to make quick, smart decisions
like this one is exactly why we hired him."
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Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is
October 19, 2006
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October 19, 2006
Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung
October 12, 2006
●
Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks
October 12, 2006
●
Reggie Bush On First NFL Touchdown: 'That Was It?'
October 12, 2006
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging
Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor
October 19, 2006 | Onion Sports
CORAL GABLES, FL—University of Miami head football coach Larry Coker, afraid of being scapegoated and
fired in the wake of Saturday's brawl involving Hurricanes players and those from Florida International
University, defended himself by suspending 13 players, taking full responsibility for disciplining his team, and
swinging a Hurricanes football helmet at the heads of athletic director Paul Dee and chancellor Donna Shalala
during a press conference Wednesday. "What happened was unfortunate and does not reflect our character as
a team or my philosophy as a coach," said Coker, grasping the helmet by the faceguard and delivering
repeated blows to Shalala's face and neck. "However, I believe that dismissing me at this time would in fact
send the wrong message about discipline to our players and the wrong message about the University of Miami
to the public." Dee was physically unable to comment or breathe after the press conference, but Shalala
seemed to indicate that she would handle the matter internally as soon as she stopped bleeding internally.
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●
Zdeno Chara Out Two To Three Periods With Fractured Skull, Broken Leg
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October 12, 2006
●
Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks
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Reggie Bush On First NFL Touchdown: 'That Was It?'
October 12, 2006
Remaining MLB Playoff Teams Say Things More Relaxed Without Yankees Around
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PERSONAL OF THE DAY
Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's
Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is
October 19, 2006 | Onion Sports
NEW YORK—Hideki Matsui's interpreter Roger Kahlon has been unable explain to the Yankees' Japanesespeaking left fielder that former teammate Cory Lidle died instantaneously last Wednesday after flying his
four-seat, SR20 aircraft into a high-rise apartment building in Manhattan's Upper East Side. "At this point,
I'm pretty sure [Matsui] thinks Lidle is either in his four-bedroom apartment or on a 20-minute plane ride to
upstate New York," Kahlon said, adding that in order to make Lidle's whereabouts clear to Matsui, he has
even resorted to making one of his hands into a plane, the other into a building, crashing them together, and
making explosion noises. "This kind of thing just doesn't translate very well." According to Kahlon, the last
time he asked Matsui where Cory Lidle was, a confused Matsui answered, "The bullpen."
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