ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
1
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
a one act play
by
John McKinley
(ACTOR-FORMATTED SCRIPT)
The Story: A young man and woman, onstage during a performance, let their off-stage
romantic problems overflow into the play they’re performing, creating havoc and
embroiling the director and the tech crew into the fracas. Fourth walls are broken as well
as some hearts.
Characters:
Michelle (F): twenties or thirties, portrays Sara in the “play within the play,” and has an
off stage relationship with Robbie.
Robbie (M): twenties or thirties, portrays Carl in the “play within the play.”
Terry (M): barely twenty, tech person, enlisted to help out on stage as an actor
Emily (F): early twenties, tech person, shuts the show down when it becomes
unbearable.
Director: (will be portrayed by the actual writer/director.)
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
2
Immediately prior to curtain, while preshow MUSIC plays and HOUSE LIGHTS are UP,
EMILY, a female tech person of about twenty, sets a ladder on stage and examines one of
the preshow lights. She calls over TERRY, a male tech person, barely twenty, who wears
horn-rimmed glasses, and quietly discusses something with him. They both wear black.
John, the DIRECTOR, addresses the patrons, introduces himself, the fact he wrote the
play, and gives all the pertinent details regarding upcoming shows, emergency exits and
cell phones. Afterward, he sits in the audience and HOUSE LIGHTS go down.
LIGHTS UP on stage to reveal a couch in center stage. SFX: squeaky bed springs and a
headboard banging against the wall. After the sounds cease, there are a few beats until
MICHELLE and ROBBIE, portraying characters Sara and Carl, both twenty-somethings,
enter. ROBBIE pulls a t-shirt shirt over his head and is wearing athletic shorts and
socks. MICHELLE is wearing an oversized t-shirt with her legs bare. They approach the
couch from opposite ends and sit down, not too close to each other. ROBBIE uses the
remote to turn on the tv.
MICHELLE
We’ve really got to stop doing this.
ROBBIE
Why?
MICHELLE
It’s just not healthy.
ROBBIE
But it’s fun, dontcha think?
MICHELLE
Sure. But it’s not going anywhere.
ROBBIE
You said no strings.
MICHELLE
I know what I said, but I think it’s run its course.
ROBBIE
You’re tired of me?
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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MICHELLE
Aren’t you tired of me?
ROBBIE
It’s only once a week at best, babe. (pause) Of course I’m not tired of you.
MICHELLE
That was the last time, Carl.
ROBBIE
You’ve been thinking about this, then.
MICHELLE
For the last two weeks.
ROBBIE
How about letting me in on it, huh? How fair is that, Sara? You tell me this after the
fact? Maybe if you had told me beforehand that this was the last time, I would’ve taken
the time to enjoy it a bit more. I can’t get back that last time, now. They all kind of run
together in my mind, anyway. How about making next week the last time?
MICHELLE
We’re done.
ROBBIE
What do you want from me, then? Some sort of commitment? (pause) Let’s have
dinner tonight.
MICHELLE
No. I’ve got a thing I’m going to.
ROBBIE
What thing?
MICHELLE
I’m just going someplace tonight, that’s all.
ROBBIE
I like to go places. I can go with you. We can go together, to this thing.
MICHELLE
No, Carl. We can’t.
ROBBIE
Is this because I had sex with your sister?
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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MICHELLE
You’re an ass.
ROBBIE
We were never exclusive. Part of no strings attached, right? Besides, I didn’t think
you’d mind.
MICHELLE
You didn’t think I’d mind?
ROBBIE
I didn’t think you’d get all bent out of shape over it or anything. Big deal, so I slept with
your sister.
MICHELLE
Why do you keep bringing that up? Just to hurt me?
ROBBIE
Get over it. It was only one time.
MICHELLE
One time, but at my own birthday party?
Robbie looks a bit uncomfortable, like perhaps he didn’t get the proper cue from his
scene partner.
ROBBIE
Maybe you should get back at me. You know, have sex with my brother, Kenny.
MICHELLE
You’re a pig, you know that, Robbie!
ROBBIE
Who the hell’s Robbie? I’m Carl. You’re not cheating on me with this Robbie guy, are
you, Sara?
MICHELLE
Forget it. This just isn’t working out. Forget the whole thing.
ROBBIE
Yeah, you already said that. Our once a week get togethers are over. I get it.
MICHELLE
No. You and I are over. Us. Michelle and Robbie. Now do you get it? Is it sinking in?
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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ROBBIE
Sara, don’t you want to hook up with my brother, Kenny? You know, pay me back for
what I did?
MICHELLE
Still trying to feed my lines, huh? Why should now be any different?
ROBBIE
Kenny’s always had a thing for you, Sara, but—
MICHELLE
I can’t believe you’re still doing the play. It can’t be saved. The play is over, just like we
are. So, maybe you should get over it.
ROBBIE grabs her by the arm and MICHELLE slaps him silly with her other hand while
he tries to block the blows.
MICHELLE
Let go of me!
ROBBIE
Hey! Stop it, will ya!
The DIRECTOR comes out of the audience, jumps up on stage and separates them.
DIRECTOR
Woah, woah! Shelly, Rob, calm down. We’ve got a show to do. Maybe we should take
this backstage—
MICHELLE
I’m sorry, John. I can’t do it.
DIRECTOR
Of course you can, Shelly. I have faith in you.
MICHELLE
I just can’t deal with this dialogue. Can’t we change it? Why does it—
ROBBIE
Too much for you to handle, Shell? Too much art imitating life or vice versa?
MICHELLE
I don’t want to hear another word coming out of your mouth. Not even a half-hearted
apology you lying, cheating… son of a bitch!
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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ROBBIE
This is all because I slept with Katie, isn’t it?
MICHELLE
You’re a pig!
ROBBIE
I hoped you could remain a little more professional about it on stage, Shell. That’s all. I
really expected more from you.
MICHELLE
And every time we went to bed together, Robbie, I expected a little more from you.
ROBBIE
There you go, hitting below the belt again.
MICHELLE
You’re a lousy lay, you know that?
ROBBIE
That’s not what Katie said.
DIRECTOR
Hey, hey, what’s going on here, guys?
MICHELLE
He slept with my sister.
DIRECTOR
I know. That’s what I wrote in my play.
MICHELLE
No, he slept with Katie at the cast party a couple weeks ago. It was my birthday,
remember? You were there, John.
DIRECTOR
(to Robbie)
What? You slept with her sister? Her real sister?
ROBBIE
I told her I was sorry.
MICHELLE
You wouldn’t have said a thing if I hadn’t walked right in during the middle of it and
surprised you both.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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ROBBIE
Can’t a guy make a mistake?
MICHELLE
Suck it up, Robbie.
ROBBIE
Why now, then, huh? Why not last week or the week before? You want to know what I
think? It’s because you always turn into a raving bitch when it’s your time of the month.
MICHELLE
Just when I think you can’t be more of an asshole, Robbie, you outdo yourself again and
again, and continue to amaze me.
DIRECTOR
Look, Shelly, I can re-write the dialogue. I’ll take out that part. I’ll come up with
something else. It’s not a problem. How about that? Will that work for you?
MICHELLE
No. I’m through. I can’t work with Robbie anymore.
DIRECTOR
What if I re-write the dialogue and I replace Rob?
ROBBIE
Hey!
MICHELLE
Yeah… that might do it. That could work for me.
ROBBIE
She’s the one with the problem, John. I‘ve done everything you wanted me to do. Why
not replace her and keep the dialogue just the way you wrote it?
DIRECTOR
Truthfully, Rob, she’s a stronger actor than you.
ROBBIE
Fine. Keep her. I quit. Good luck finding someone who can learn my lines for the rest
of the run.
MICHELLE
There’s Terry.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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DIRECTOR
The tech guy?
MICHELLE
He’s been here for weeks. He knows the lines.
DIRECTOR
Terry! Come on over here a minute.
TERRY leaves the tech booth and comes over a bit reluctantly.
TERRY
This might not be such a good idea, John.
DIRECTOR
Do you know the lines or don’t you?
TERRY
(holding back)
I’m not so sure. I might.
DIRECTOR
Go on stage with the script if you have to.
TERRY
(copping out to the truth)
All right, I know the lines.
MICHELLE
Told you.
TERRY
You should know… I’m not very experienced… in dramatic roles. For me, it’s been
some ensemble pieces, singing and dancing, and not many… real… speaking parts.
DIRECTOR
You’ll do just fine.
ROBBIE
Oh, this is rich. I’ll just take a seat out here in the audience and watch this train wreck.
DIRECTOR
Em, can you handle lights and sound on your own?
EMILY
No problem.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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DIRECTOR
Okay, we’ll skip to scene two, all right? I’ll work on the scene one changes tonight and
email them to both of you for tomorrow. You’re my man, Terry, for the rest of the run.
You can do it.
TERRY
Uh, John? Any specific direction for my character? My motivation?
DIRECTOR
You’ve seen Rob do it, right? Do it just like that. Trust your scene partner. Follow
Shelly’s lead. You’ll be fine.
TERRY
Okay.
DIRECTOR
(addressing the audience)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for your patience. Remember, this is live theater and
anything can happen. We’ve just seen proof of that. You know, it’s often been said that
no two performances are ever the same, meaning… even if you see the same production
on two separate nights, it will be a completely different experience. I certainly know this
one has been. We’ll be skipping to scene two. To fill you in a little bit regarding scene
one, in case you didn’t catch it, after Sara and Carl have their argument about Carl
doing… you know what with Sara’s sister, Sara threatens to seduce Kenny, Carl’s
brother. Okay, that about brings you up to speed. Please enjoy the rest of the show.
The DIRECTOR takes his seat in the audience and the stage LIGHTS FADE to black.
SFX: squeaky bed springs and a headboard banging against the wall. OFF STAGE
sounds of ecstasy. TERRY’s utterances are a bit more pronounced and a bit too real for
the stage. After the sounds cease, there are a few beats before MICHELLE leads TERRY
on stage by the hand. His eyeglasses are askew and his shirt is ripped at the neck down
to the navel. He’s in his stocking feet and holds his unbuttoned trousers up with his other
hand. They tumble over the back of the couch and onto the cushions with her on top of
him. She kisses his neck and chest while he squirms and giggles like a school girl. He is
not acting. And it goes on for a bit too long.
MICHELLE
Are you happy, Carl?
TERRY
What kind of a question is that? After what you just did? Hell yeah. I’m a happy man.
MICHELLE
A man, yes, but you still have the libido of a teenager.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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TERRY
I’m hot for you. What can I say?
MICHELLE
You can start by telling me what it is you like about me.
TERRY
Oh, wow, um, do I have to say it out loud? That’s like private, dark bedroom talk and
stuff.
MICHELLE
You can close your eyes and whisper in my ear if you want.
He whispers into her ear while she giggles seductively.
MICHELLE
Oooh, baby, I love it when you talk like that.
TERRY
It’s true. All of it.
MICHELLE
You’re making me horny for round two. (She grabs his groin.) Are you up for it?
TERRY
Later. I promise. Just let me rest a bit.
MICHELLE
I’ll leave you alone… for a little while, but later you’re gonna be my plaything all over
again.
She runs her fingers through his hair.
TERRY
I was made to be your love slave.
MICHELLE
Yes, but… next time, Carl, I want to be the one who gets the spanking.
TERRY
Uh… okay.
MICHELLE
You turn me on so much Carl. You know intuitively which buttons to push… and when.
It’s like you’re inside my mind. You’re so sensitive to my needs, my desires. You’re
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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nothing like my old boyfriend. You’ve almost make me forget about… (breaking
character) now what’s his name again? Oh yeah… Robbie.
ROBBIE
(from audience)
Yeah, right.
TERRY
Did you ever do what you said you were gonna do, Sara?
MICHELLE
Do what, lover boy?
TERRY
You know… with Kenny.
MICHELLE
Oh, I gave it some thought. Long and hard… but Kenny’s just not my type.
TERRY
So you never went through with it?
MICHELLE
Nope. I never did.
TERRY
Why not? I mean after what I did and all.
MICHELLE
I guess revenge just isn’t my thing.
ROBBIE
(from the audience)
Buu-uull-shit!
MICHELLE
Shut up, Robbie. You’re not in this scene.
MICHELLE (cont)
Do you want to know what I like about you, Carl?
TERRY
What?
MICHELLE
Let me whisper it.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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She whispers into his ear while giving him some tongue and stroking his body. He is
getting visibly aroused and squirms. EMILY charges from the tech book and enters the
stage.
EMILY
All right! That’s it! Forget it. You’re done.
MICHELLE
But we were just getting to the good part.
EMILY
The play’s over.
TERRY
What? What’s the matter?
EMILY
Don’t ‘what’s the matter’ me! I see what you’re doing.
The DIRECTOR comes out of the audience and enters the stage.
DIRECTOR
What’s going on here?
EMILY
Shelly’s feeling up my boyfriend, that’s what’s going on!
TERRY
I’m your boyfriend?
EMILY
Yeah, you dope. You didn’t know that? If anybody’s going to feel you up, it’s gonna be
me!
DIRECTOR
What are you guys doing? That’s not the dialogue I wrote.
TERRY
I know, John, but you told me to follow her lead. I was following.
ROBBIE comes from the audience clapping his hands and enters the stage.
ROBBIE
Bra-vo! Bra-vo! Great performance, Shell. Or should I say, nice try? Trying to make
me jealous… with Terry of all people.
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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MICHELLE
What’s wrong with Terry?
ROBBIE
Is that a rhetorical question?
MICHELLE
I have a little confession to make, Robbie. Do you want to know why I didn’t totally lose
it and break it all off when I caught you with my sister?
ROBBIE
Yeah, I wondered about that. That was kind of… weird.
MICHELLE
Because, before I walked in on you and Katie, that same night at the party, Terry and I…
well…we…
ROBBIE
No, you’re joking.
EMILY
Terry? What’s she talking about?
TERRY
She came on to me. I had too many wine coolers, I guess. I didn’t—
EMILY
You little… (She slaps away at Terry while he tries to protect himself.)
TERRY
Hey, quit it! Stop it, will ya!
EMILY
That’s it! We’re through!
TERRY
No, look, Emily. It was only kissing. We just made out, that’s all. It didn’t mean
anything. You know I like you.
EMILY
You have a great way of showing it.
EMILY stalks off and TERRY follows her while holding up his pants
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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TERRY
I didn’t even know we were together.
EMILY
We’re not. Not anymore that is.
MICHELLE
That’s it for me.
MICHELLE begins to exit.
ROBBIE
Hold on a minute, Shell. You cheated before I cheated. Where do you get off taking the
moral high ground?
MICHELLE
I only kissed him, Robbie. And it’s not like you never cheated on me before that.
Robbie is silent.
MICHELLE (cont)
That’s what I thought.
DIRECTOR
Shelly, what about the play?
MICHELLE
I’m sorry, John.
MICHELLE exits.
ROBBIE
If she’s out, does that mean I’m back in again?
DIRECTOR
All the same, Rob, I think I’ll stick with Terry. He’s a stronger actor than you.
ROBBIE
(throws up his hands)
I don’t believe this.
Robbie exits.
DIRECTOR
(addressing the audience)
I’m sorry, everyone. This is not the sort of thing you’ve come to expect from us at the
Santa Paula Theater Center. Truthfully, though, and all things considered, I don’t think it
ONCE A WEEK AT BEST
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was that much of a disaster. Okay, maybe it was borderline. And I’ll take responsibility
for that, but there were some bright spots in the play, so, please, don’t punish the actors.
Can you let them know that you appreciate them? (He claps and turns upstage.) Hey
guys, come on out! Shelly, Rob, Terry, Em!
All four of them trudge out in character, sulking and pissed off, for their curtain call with
the DIRECTOR in the middle. Hands get slapped when attempted to join together. After
a bow, they scatter, leaving the DIRECTOR alone on stage. LIGHTS FADE to black.
The DIRECTOR sits on the edge of the couch, cradling his head in his hands.
CURTAIN