ANTHONY &
SAGE
ROBBINS
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX & HOWTO FIX· IT FOREVER!
*By Discovering the Real Secrets
to Men & Women
© 2010 Robbins Research International, Inc. (RR1)
AJI rights reserved.
Withoul li mit ing the rights under copyright reserved above, no pan of this publication may be
reproduced, slOred in or introduced into a retrieval system or tl'2nsmitted in any form, or by any
means (electronic. mechanical, phmocopying, recording or o(herwi~), without the prior written
pcrmiMion of the copyright ownet of this manual.
Dear Friend.
There is no greater gift in life (han the joy that is possible when you have
radiant, inspiring and passionate romance in your life.
Whether you are looking for a way [0 take your current relationship [0 a new
level or you are seeking to attract the love of your life. Sage and I are excited
[0 share what we have learned during the magnificent journey of our love
affair [Ogether.
Over the years. our rela(ionship has continued to grow, expand and evolve. And
through our unwavering love for each other. we have found growth. meaning,
hope. passion and a richness of life that is simply unlike anything else.
We know that this beautiful depth of love is possible for you. as well.
Our greatest hope is that you wi ll discover a new way [0 love and appreciate
your partner. .. as well as yourself.
With Love. Respect and Passion.
Anthony and Sage Robbins
CRAlY MA>;JNC 10 10\ E MAKINC
2
AN
iON
&
~'-I~ nOB
Table of Contents
Introduction ..............................•.....•....... 5
How to Use This Product .................................. 6
Audio 1: Reclaiming Your Passion: The Real Secrets to Understanding.
Appreciating and Relating to the One You Love
~~~~~aGi~ ............................•...... 8
The 6 Human Needs .. . .. . ........ . .. . .•. . . . .• .. . .. • . .. .. II
5 Steps to Communication Mastery ........................ 16
Audio 2: The Vital Disciplilles ofLove and Passim.
The 5 Disciplines of Love .. . . .. . ......... . .............. . . 21
The 3 Disciplines of Passion ........•...................... 23
Your New Disciplines .. .... . .......... .................. 24
Video 1: Heal Your RelatiOllSbip No Matter Wbat
Overview .... . .. . ..... . ........ ...............•.... 28
The 5 Steps to Heal Any Relationship ......... .. .... • .. .. 29
Integrating the 5 Steps to Heal Any Relationship .......... .. 41
Video 2: The Psycbology ofPersonalities: Integrating and Aligning the
Different Parts of Who You Are
Overview .... . .. . .. .. . .. .......... .... . . • . .... • . ... 46
The Real You ..... . ..... . .. .... .. . . • .....•.....•.... 54
Your Relationship Action Plan ........ . .. .• ... ..... .... .... 60
lIV-LY· MAKING TO lOVL MAKING
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A"NTHO J" &. \AGI ROBBI
Introduction
N
ochin g in life is as complex or rewarding as our incimarc relationships.
Regardless of our current relationship status, we have all been through
some of the deepest pains and greatest joys while connecting closely to another
human being.
Real love is me highest form of giving. And it is also where we achieve the most
inner personal growth. Thus. [0 fuJly love another person is perhaps one of the
most divine experiences on earth.
However, so many of us struggle to make sense of our closest relationships.
Although you may have had passion at the beginning when you first met your
parmer, it may now feel empty. stagnam or unfulfilling.
At our deepest level, we all crave a meaningful and rich connection with
someone else. Yet many of you may have given up on the idea that the ideal is
even possible and, as a result, settled for much less.
This product is designed co help you find true joy in your intimate
relacionships. And if you are nOt currendy in a relacionship, it will help you
understand how [0 attract me parmer you desire in life.
t RAlY-MAKING TO [OVf MAKING
5
How to Use This Product
This program is comprised of four distinct acrion tools. Each one is designed
[0 inspire you to think about your own relat ionships in a differem way.
By capturing what you learn along the way and creating a list of ways to
apply those lessons to your own life, you are well on me path to creating a
relationship of growth, fulfillmem, love. joy and never-ending passion.
Action tool 1:
• Reclaiming Your Passion Audio
• The Vital Disciplina of Love and Passion Audio
Action tool 2: H,al Your R,14tionship No Matur What Video
Action tool 3: Th, Psychology of Pmonaliti" Vid,o
Action tool 4: Summary workbook with aucius
6
A.
110 JV &. .......\,..1: ROBBI
Audio 1
Reclaiming
Your Passion
The Real Secrets to Understanding, Appreciating
and RelLzting to the One You Love
llv\ZY-MAt-;.INli 10 LOVE MAKING
7
Relationships Are a Gift
'VJhac's life like when you're head over heels in love? I('s fun, carefree,
W exciting, refreshing, amazing and joyous! And ie's also a Ii((le scary ...
Love is the area where we all have the deepest amoum of fear. And it is also
where we experience the greatest rewards.
However. the truth is that feelings of fear and excitement can all stem from
the exact same moment. It all depends on the meaning you 3nach ro the
experience. Thus. if you become a master of meaning. you can become a master
of your life and of your relationships.
Reladonships are the juiciest pan of life. There is simply nothing that makes us
grow more as a person. We all have an innate desire [0 give and grow, and this
is what makes us feel aliv~.
While expanding your own relationship, keep these four things in mind:
1. There are two parts in every human, and both are important. If eicher
one of chese aspeccs of ourselves is lacking, we die.
(I) Spirit
(2) Animal
8
AN II0NY & \A\.J I ROBS
2. Look for progress in yourself, not your partner. If you make progress in
yourself. you will be able to impact the relationship.
3. Nothing will challenge you as much as your relationship. This is because
noching else can consisten tl y bring up you r [\AIO greatest fears:
(I) 'lbu're not enough.
(2) You won't be loved.
4. The strongest bonds have come from our greatest pains. When you let
yourse lf become completely vulnerab le [Q another pe rson. you crea re a space
for you to grow and bond together.
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AI\; HI{ NY & ~A(d ROkl I
The 6 Human Needs
T
here are 6 Human Needs that 3fe responsible for vinuaJly all human
behaviors and decisions. These arc the needs that we need to meet on a
regular basis. no mancr whar:
I. Certainty. The abi lity to be safe and comfortable.
2. Variety. The ability to feel fully alive by experiencing changeemotional shifts, new ideas and new SiCU3tions.
3. Significance. The feeling of being special, needed and worthy
of attencion.
4. Love and Connection. The feding ofbcing connected to a person, a
group and/or yourself.
S. Growth. The need ro keep on expanding or growing or you stan to die.
6. Contribution. The ab ili ry to give ro something beyond yourself.
The first four needs: Certainty. Variety. Significance and Love and Connection
afC the needs of the personality, and we aJl find a way to meet them in some
way. We literally can't live without them.
RAlY MAKINl, 10 lo\t! "v1AKING
11
The last two needs: Growth and Contribution are the needs ofche spirit. And
even though most people don't focus on [hem, they're the real secret co lasting
happiness.
When you're: in a couple, its essential that you're aware of how you're meeting
your partners needs. And the 6 Human Needs give you a simple way to do that.
If yo u meet all of your partners 6 Human
eeds, they wi ll never leave you.
"Where there is love, there is lifo. "
-Mahatma Gandhi
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ANTIIONY & \AC I ROBf!.1
Love Can Melt Any Fear
M
any people feel love fo r their parmer but are dying for passion. They are
roo scared ro move forward and rake the relationship to the level where
th ey can expe ri ence a 1110re fulfillin g sense of depth. Especially in regard (0
their imimare relationships, most peop le live in a srace of fear, yet a decision
made from fear is always the wrong decision.
Research studies show that anytime there is tension in your body, [he
unconscious part of your brai n is running (he show. Thus. when you are
bio logically consumed by fear, it is not poss ib le for you (0 make decisions [hat
are grounded in love.
Relationships afC essentially the ultimate sp iritual workout-the only way you
can grow is to face your fear. You have to sh ifr your thinking and realiz.e that
it's not about what you get out of a relationship that matters; it's what you
become.
And on the other side of fear is power, joy, love, fulfillment and freedom.
Even though part of you is scared to go there, there is another part of you that
knows this is the path.
Understand that your partner is also scared, and start to operate from a place
of compassion and love-even when it doesn't seem reciprocal. Remember (ha(
every communication is either a loving response or a cry for help, and your
love can melt any fear or pain.
RAzy MAKINc...
0
OVE MAKJNt)
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Finding Your Flow State
F
low Sta te: When you are with someone you love and it couldn't be more
perfect.
Wh~n your head and heart Off working in sync, you always make ,he
right tkcision.
You can create a Flow State in any moment. Use the following exercise to tap
into your inner strength by aligning your head and heart:
I. Shake your body out.
2. Puc both your hands on your hearc.
3.
lose your eyes and breathe dttply in your heart.
4. Feel the Strength of your heart and all that it has guided you to do
throughout the years.
5. Realize that the beating of your heart is life in you.
6. ~[bink of a moment in your life that you are grateful for.
7. Step into that momenc.
8. Bring in more momencs you are grateful for.
9. Fed the S[rengm of graritude and connect to it.
10. Feel proud that your heart has always known what to do.
I I. Ask yo urself: (aJ What do I real ly need to remember? What's
really true? What's the tfuth? (b) All I need to do is wha(?
Where fO CU5 goes, energy flows.
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AN1IION) & SAL! ROI\f\1
Managing Your State
I
n relationships (and in life), state changes everything. If you or your partner
is in a state of anger {which is really juSt another form of fear}, YOli are
unable to tap into your heart or (0 see what is really going on.
Many times, focusing on what your parmer is or isn't doing creates a major
sh ift in your own stare and therefore in the state of the relationship. However,
you need to start to understand and appreciate that the masculine and
fem inine accually think differently. Many people often get frustrated simply
because they expect their partner to think and react the same way they do.
However, men are not just hairy wo men, and women are not jus t beautiful,
complicated men.
When thinking about your relationship, it's much more importam [0 consider
what you do [0 create your partner's positive and negative states. In faCt, the
momem you focus on yourself is when the relationship ends. The state of your
relationship is the state you bring [0 it every moment.
lnstead of criticizing you.r partner, fo cus on what you are bringing to th e
table. What are you doing to generate your partner's state? You can only be
truly upset in an argument if you are focused on your own needs. And if you
can find the place to love your parmer even when they're down , they wi ll never
forger it. If you heal your partner's pain and love them through it, their true
nature will show up.
Your physical state can also affect your relacionship.
Low-energy women become more masculine to protect themselves
• Low-energy men tend to become more pleasing and feminine
Lov~ tlu part ofyour partn~r that thty ar~ not loving in Ih~mu'v~s.
(
zy MAKIN" TO lOVE MA~IN"
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5 Steps to
Communication Mastery
I
t's nor difficult to communicate when you're feeling great. Bur in stressful
situations, all ki nds of comm unicarion breakdowns occur. We all have
characteristic panerns when we get stressed. What are your patterns-both
verbal and non-verbal?
1. How do [ communicate when I'm stressed (both verbally
and nQn-verball yl? Do I y<lI? Mak< oth", p<opk wrong> Arrack'
SUpP"ss? Try to sabotag~? What do I do with my voice? ('[(mpo? Vo'um~?
Tonality?) Do I fod angry? Frustraud' Hurt'
2. How do 1 try to get leverage on other people when I'm not getting
what I wan.? Do I whind Cry' Nag> Pull rank' B<com< alno/and
distant? Try to wound? Distort things?
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ANTIlO:"JY ~ \At.l ROBf.J
3. When I've been stressed but have somehow managed to
communicate effectively, what have I done? Ifyotl don't b~/i~v~ you'V(
~v~r don~ so, ~ith(r think o/som(on( who has or imngin~ yourulfdoing so.
4. The next time I'm stressed, how wiJJ I communicate?
5. In the future, how wiJJ I access leverage in a way that benefits alJ
parties?
RAlY MAKIN(, TO lOVE MAKIN(J
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Audio 2
The Vital Disciplines
ofLove and Passion
ZY-MAK1Nt. 10 lOVE MAKIN<..
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20
A.....
10
,
E R(
The 5 Disciplines of Love
I
t is possible to create the relationship and [Q have an extraordinary level of
[fUSt, passion, connection and sensuality in your life.
But ro do so, both
you and your parmer need to build a strong and resilienr base chat can handle
absolutely anything. Here are some key practices thar will set you up ro win.
Ifyou mnnnb" nothing </" from this rori", program, mn<mb" this summary of
how to ,"au Jour ultimau relationship.
Discipline # 1: Unconditional Love and Compassion.
Always put your /ov(r first. Ie's never about you. Ie's abom your partner's level of
cruse, comfort, freedom and toral fulflllmel1C. Walk in their shoes and really feel
what they are feeling . . . rom when they don't seem to be feeling for you. The
"blame game" never works.
EXERCISE: Is there anyone in your life whom you love with any condidons?
For some people thi s may be a child . h could also be a close friend or a
parem. How do you treat the person in your life whom you love no motur
what? How do you treat you r parmer differently?
Discipline #2: Total Courage and Vulnerability.
Loving no marta what requires courage-and a lo[ of it. You have to be
will in g to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable to your partner and to
never, under abso lutely any circumstanu5. take love away. If you can Jove even
when it's tOugh, you will grow as a person and strengthen [his muscle so that
you can give purely in all situadons.
RALY MAKINli TO LOVI MAKINt,
21
Discipline #3: Know the 'fruth.
Look for the higher meaning and greater depth behind al l disagreementS or
painfu l exchanges. Realize that it's never the other person's "faule " It's always
about the meaning that each person has attached [0 the experience. Know mat
even if your partner seems ro have done something that is hurtful, there is a
positive intenr somewhere underneath it. Own your own feelings, but don't
come at your parmer with criticism. Find a proactive way [0 express how their
actions made you feel, and try not to point a finger at your partner or blame
them.
Discipline #4: Tell Yourself the 'fr uth.
Constantly ask yourself. "Am I giving love in [his momenr?" Be conscious and
aware of aJl your body language, your voice tonality, your couch, your looks
and your words. We all have unconscious ways that we communicate without
even realizing that we are doing so. Understand that when you see a response
in your parmer, you have probably helped to tr igger ic... whether you realize it
or not.
Discipline #5: Give Freedom.
Forgive mistakes. Forget past deeds. Flood your parmer with positive energy.
Create a space where your partner has the tOtal freedom to make mistakes and
know that the core of your relationship will never be compromised. Recognize
that when your panner hurts you, ir's not their true self And realize that you
also become someone else when you are capable ofhuni ng the one yo u love.
If you can consistently forgive, forget and Rood, you will eventually be able to
laugh at the things char used ro pain you.
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ANIHONY & \AG! ROkl1
The 3 Disciplines of Passion
I
me
ronically, [he more you love someone,
less eroric they become. This
paradox is very common. Why? Whar makes a relationship work (cenainty)
is actually the very thing that makes it feel sragnam and uninspiring. Having
diversity and uncertainty is the spice oflife. We aJl need a connant sense of
newness and freedom. Here are three disciplines char can help ...
Discipline # 1: Daily Passion and Playfulness.
The riruals you perform on a regular basis are in direcr proportion to your
results in life. If you can create a discipline to be playful and loving to break
your partner's panerns (as well as your own), you can scan breaking th rough the
barriers of fear and hurt char surround their heart. Realize that me "thing" mar
drives you crazy in your partner is probably the greatest gift you may find in
yourself. Whatever you don't accept about your partner is very often something
you have disowned about yourself. And if you can reclaim that part of you , you
can creace, be and love at a level you didn't even know was possible.
Discipline #2: Presence and Openness.
The greatest gift a woman can give to a man is to be completely open. In
contrast, when a woman tightens, it creates fear in a man. And an unwavering
presence in a man is what women crave at their core. Even when a woman
seems to be: "crazy" or closed, if a man remains present and scays with her, she
will know that she is safe and protccted with him.
Discipline #3: Light to Dark.
Just as there is a scale of masculine and feminine energy, there is also a scale of
light and dark. And just as there is a balance and expone ntial synergy between
men and women, true passio n and sensuality are triggered by the safe space to
express an erotic, exciting dark side and a fl uid, beautiful light side. We need all
dimensions of love and passion to be: complete and fulfi lled.
23
Your New Disciplines
'VJhar are some specific ways that you can starr integrating (he
W 5 disciplines of love and 3 disciplines of passion il1co your li fe?
1be 5 Disciplines ofLove
Discipline #1: Unconditional Love and Compassion. Always put your 10""jirst.
Discipline #2: Total Courage and Vulnerability.
Discipline #3: Know the 1I uth.
2.
A.NT II ONY & SAlJF ROBBI"'J
Discipline #4: Tell Yourself the 1i uth .
Discipline #5: Give Freedom.
1he 3 Disciplines ofPassion
Discipline # 1: Daily Passion and Playfulness .
RAn ""AKINC 10 l0VE MAKIN
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Discipline #2: Presence and Openness.
Discipline #3: Lighr ro Dark.
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ANTHON) bI. SAC' RUf.B
Video 1
Heal Your Relationship
No Matter What
(RAlY MAK N(, TO lC"VI MAK 1\1\..1
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--------~---
27
Overview
H
ow can you regain a feeling of trust for a parmer who's wronged you in
the past? How can people overcome years of disappointment in their
marriage and suddenly create a whole new relationship with th e same parmer
that they've had for years? The truth is that you can fall in love again. You can
be happier together than you've ever been and you can do it quickly.
In this film , you will meet a couple from Italy. Olivera and Gian Franco, who
went through something mar's the kiss of death for most couples-infidelity.
They didn't see a way out, and they were desperate.
28
The 5 Steps to Heal
Any Relationship
Step 1: Both People Must Be 100% Accountable
Step 2: Meet Your Partner~ 6 Human Needs
Step 3: Create Rituals of Giving and Receiving
Step 4: Inspire 'Jj- ust and Respect in Each Other
Step 5: Heal Your Wound. and Create Passion
CRAl'r MAKING TO LOVE MAKINlJ
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Step 1: Both People Must
Be 100% Accountable
T
he first step of relationship healing is for both people in th e couple to
hold themselves accountable for the relationship.
This doesn't mean that one person is accountab le for 50% of the relationship
and that the other person is accountable for
other 500/0. There's no room
here for partners to be making excuses or saying that's "not my job." None of
that works in an intimate relationship.
me
Being accountable in a relationship means that each person mUSt take 100%
responsibility for the entire relationship.
Being accounrable means:
Taking ownership of the resul[5 you're producing
Being honest abom your mistakes
Always focusing on what's working
Always focusing on what you can do bener
"Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing,
there is a field. I'Ll meet you there. "
-Rumi
30
Step 2: Meet Your Partners
6 Human Needs
n
emember: The 6 Human Needs are responsible for virtually all human
nJ,ehaviors and decisions. Anytime yo u associate a thought, feeling or
emotion to at least three needs, it becomes an addiction.
In order [0 make sure you are meeting the needs of your partner, ask
yourself:
1. How am I meeting my partners need for Certainty on a sca le of
l[oIO? _____________
2. How am I meeting my partners need for Variety on a scale of
I [oIO? ____________
3. How am I meeting my parmers need for Significance on a scale of
I ro I o? _____________
4. How am I meeting my partners need for Love and Connection on a
scale of I ro IO?_ ___________
5. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much Growth are we experiencing
together? _____________
6. How am I meeting my panners need for Conuibution on a scale of
lto IO? ____________
eRA/Y MAKING TO lOVl:: MAKIN(J
31
Go through (his exe rcise quicldy, writing down the first number that comes to
mind. Don't hesitate. Be spontaneous. It will show you a world of things mat
you can improve in your relationship.
"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than
anybody else expects ofyou. "
-Henry Ward Beecher
32
ANTtION't & SAlil ROBBI""-l
Withholding
'VJhen you're hurt and feel uncertain, it's easy (0 get imo a pancrn of
W wi(hho l ding~f deliberately not giving your parmer what they need.
People withhold their love in the hope that their partner will become more
responsive. And they withhold in fear mat if they give their love. their panner
wi ll leave or betray them. This strategy never works to bring you real lo~ in
the long term.
If you don't make yourself accountable for your relationship, if you don't even
wane to know jf you're meeting your partner's needs, then nothing can help you.
Take a moment to ask yourself:
I. Can you think of a time when have you withheld from your parmer?
2. When you're stressed or upset, in what ways do you detach or pull away
from your partner?
33
3. Have you ever seen your partner asking or needing something from you
and you didn't give it to them? Why was that?
4. Do you think that your partner feels understood by you?
5. What does withholding do CO your relationship?
Everyone withholds from time to time, but you need to be accountable for it.
34
ANTHONY & SAG! RO""INS
Step 3: Create Rituals
of Giving and Receiving
T
he third step of relationship healing is (0 create rituals of giving
and receiving.
There are two basic ways to get attention:
1. By taking or requesting ancntion
2. By giving anemion
As children, we learned to request love and ancncion when we gOt hun.
As adulcs, we still get hurt and it's equally important that we get Jove and
attemion when we need it. The problem comes when you get addicted to
getting attention through your pain.
In o ur culture, if someone is hUft, we feel obligated [0 help them. Some
people realize mat if they're always hurt. always having (couble. always in an
emergency. they can get attention around the clock. The problem is-it's very
low-quality anemian. h's not the anemian of a passionate lover who's driven ro
he with you. It's nO[ the anemion of someone who worships your soul. Ie's the
anention of someone who feels oblignud.
If you want to enjoy your reJationship, you can't hang back and criticize.
You need to be active.
"Conflict can be seen as a gift ofenergy, in which
neither side loses and a new dance is created. "
- Thomas Crum
'- lAZY· MAKINLI 1"0 LOVE MAKINt,
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ANl HONY & ~.""li~ ROBSIN~
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Step 4: Inspire li- ust and
Respect in Each Other
ig picture: lfust is inspired when you feel someone has your best interests
at heaT[ and that your ime rests are aligned. However, in the shon term,
{rust is inspired by a variecy of minute-to-m inucc facto rs that you may not be
conscious of
B
The challenge for many rc:lationships is mat men and women inspire trust in
different and even opposite ways.
Because each gender is wired and thinks differently, we otten create unrealistic
expectations for our significanc ocher. By seeking to understand your
partner and recogniz.ing [his fact, you can set each other up co win in your
communications.
"The heart ofa fool is in his mouth, but the mouth
ofa wise man is in his heart. "
-Benjamin Franklin
<.. RAlY MAKINli TO lOVE MAKIN(
37
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ANTHONY & SAGE ROP.BIN~
Step 5: Heal Your Wounds
and Create Passion
"'C veryo ne carries around pains and hurts from the past. Everyo ne has triggers,
~uJnerabi li ties. fears and things they avo id at al l costs. You can't make these
woun ds go away by being harsh o r critical. You can't force them (0 go away. )b u
cant make them go away by rejecting or wi thholdi ng. These wo unds will only
heal thro ugh the applicatio n of consistent lo'W: and acceptance.
And when th at happens, they turn into passion.
"So long as a man is angry he can't be in the right. "
-Chinese Proverb
~AKINC TO lov
MAKINC
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AN HONY \t ~At.il RORBI N)
Integrating the 5 Steps to Heal
Any Relationship
T
o rebuild o r re-invigorate you r relationship. all you have to do is follow
the 5 steps of relationship healing.
Step 1: Both People Must Be 100% Accountable
Become fully accountable
• Relationsh ip is nOt a 50/50 deal
Both partners need co give 100%
Art' you 100% accountabk in your CUtnnt T?iatiomhip? Are you giving everything
to your partney, t'vm it puts you in a piau of vulnerability?
if
Step 2: Meet Your Partners 6 Human Needs
Understand and meet each others 6 Human Needs
Measu re the needs that are being met
Check up on them so thar you know you r parme r is cared for
What are some ways that you can start meeting mOT? o/your partnuI needs at a
higher "vel?
\.. 'tAl) MAKING TO IOVf MAKING
41
Step 3: Create Rituals of Giving and Receiving
Creare riruals of giving and receiving
Keep those riruals a1ive
• They will sus[ain your love and passion
Cr~au a list ofrituals that both you and your parm" would enjoy
Step 4: Inspire 'lrust and Respect in Each Other
Insp ire [ruse in each othe r by showing your consisrency and your honesty
• Make sure your partner knows your good intentions every day
What are thru things you can start doingfor your parm" that wi" inspi" their
trust and "SP~ct?
42
ANT IONY & SAGE ROBSI'"
Step 5: Heal Your WOl1nru and C reate Passion
HeaJ all wounds with consistenc app lication of love and acceptance
• Love will heal all wounds and i, will fix problems tha, nothing else can fix
In what situntiom and circumstanas can you anticipau that your partn~r may
nud mo" support and lov~ from you?
Fo llow these 5 steps right now, today, and you'll have love and passion that
you've never experienced before.
lY MAKING TO 10\ E MAKINl.J
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..
A
fliON) & SAC' RORRI "",
Video 2
The Psychology
ofPersonalities
Integrating and Aligning the Different Pa rts
of Who You Are
MAKING 10 LOVE MAKIN\...
45
Overview
very human being, regardless of their race, sex and age, is born with a
gift-a spiritual essence, an unguarded hean [hat is pure, beautiful and
connected (Q everything. However in a world riddled with conRiet. this
vulne rable and open state is nor sustainable.
E
So to survive as well as to know for certain that we wou ld be loved, over
rime we have each adapted our behavior. And as we have adapted to differem
people. environmems and si tuations, we have also developed mher pans of
ourselves. other different perso nalities.
For example. as children, we need OUf parents ro survive, so we spawned a core
set of personalides not only to shield us from OUf externaJ environment but
also [0 meet the conditions of our internal environmem---our core human
needs of Certainty. Variety, Significance, Love and Co nnection, Growth and
Co ntribution. Each one of these personaJicies possesses a distinct model of the
world that is designed (0 protect us.
This film is a journey into the personalities of Kerry (o r "Kez"), a woman who
had become detached and depressed because she was nor expressing her true
self By gerring back in touch wirh her core, Kez is able to reconnect with her
husband while he learns to appreciate rhe deprh and richness mat eve ry part of
her represencs.
AN I tlo)'\,;) ~ SAG t R( RBI N~
we All Have Multiple Personalities
e nIL have l11ulriple personalities. The idea that we are only one may
meet our need for Cenainry. However, (he truth is that we have all
created ways to handle the dynamic demands and complexities of our diverse
W
life experiences.
We assume that when we meet someone, they are one·dimensional. We think
to ourselves, "He is nice," or "She is sexy," and we label mat person in one way.
However, especially in relationships. it's important to understand that there is
always more to a person than what you initially see.
For example. a guy who is a jerk [0 one woman might be a total love [Q
another. A woman who seems stiff or unapproachable co one man may be
co mpletely open and vibrant (0 another. Sometimes, different people are able
ro access differenr pans of personalities more easily man others. And anytime
rwo people meet, a new world is created that never exisred before. No two
peo ple create the same synergy.
MuJtiple personalities are part of th e magic and beauty of life.
By understanding and appreciating the diverse layers [hac make up both
ou rselves and the people around us, life becomes magnified, more fulfilling and
much more enjoyable.
K.l C TO l0VE MAKI "ll
47
In CO lHfasr, when we are nor united internally, we exert energy to repress parts
of o urselves. And the more energy we use to suffocate our personalities, the
mo re they will push back. Ulcimacely, the more energy we expend in crying [0
keep chese personalities down, [he more we will drain our own life force, devour
our health and desuoy the relationships chac we value the most.
Here are three key distinctions that are important to remember in how your
personalities relate to the quality of your relationship:
1. Most of us under stress become a child in survival mode. We go back to
a more primal personaliry.
2. The quality of your relationship is the quality of your scate moment
to moment.
3. The mOSt irnportam thing you can do for you rself and you r relationship
is co be authentic and nOt suppress any of your personalities.
48
Relationship Pyramid
Th< R<kztiomhips You S.kct Will Shap< YOllr D<sriny
Select & Connect
Know what they
Give them what
really want and
need: Learn their
they really need: Get
addicted to finding
new ways of giving
pleasure.
Know what you rolly
wane: Become the kind
of person (0 whom others
want co give.
Consistendy improve and nurture
your relationship with yourself and others!
( RA LY V
KI "TO LOV
MAKI"C
49
Problem-Solving
G
et addicted to meeting your partner's needs, and become an expert
problem-solver.
If you can realize that pain is nor in me facts hue rather in the perception of the
FactS or the meaning you give something. you put yourself in a powerful and
proactive scare. From this place. you will be able (Q find solutions, empower
your partner and reclaim the sanctity of your relationship.
Sur whatever you do, don't let yourself fa ll victim [0 "learned helplessness."
There are three categories of beliefs that trigger this mindscr:
1. Perma nent
Have you evcr felt like your problems will never go away? Once you
believe [hat a problem is permanent, you tighten a noose around the
neck of happiness.
2. Pervasive
Has one problem ever dominated your life so much that it feels like
your life is that problem? You are suffering because you've spread ma(
problem into every area of your life.
3. Personal
Have you ever made "your problem" yourself? I('s easy to feel trapped
when the problem is internaL
50
AN tiONV &. \Alil RORSIN\
ain provides th ree choices . When our life conditions do not equal our
P
blueprint for life, we experience pain. 'When we feel pain, we have three
choices:
PAIN
First Choice
Second Choice
Thi rd Ch oice
Blame
Change
Your Life
Condidons!
Change Your
Blueprinr
1. Events
2. Others
3. Self
\. >..Al
MAKING 1'0 lOVE MAKIM,J
5'
2Q
Loving All Your Partners Parts
W
me
e may not like all of
behaviors that we see in ourselves or in our
partner, but we have (0 accept or appreciate rhe parr of us that generate~
them because it has a positive imem. At so me level, rhe personality is trying
to meet our needs or is developing lessons mat can help us nO[ only meet our
needs but also 511su.in others' needs. We need (0 honor this personality as a
gene ral in our emotional army who believes they are fighting for a ca use.
When you love all of your partner's personalides fuHy and appreciate chat each
pan of them has a place. that's when your relationship becomes a love affair
like no other.
Steps to Unify Your Personalities
Step 1: Discover Your Primary Personalities
What personalities are currently running your show?
S,ep 2: Accep' Each Personality as rar< ofYours elf
Rather than burning all or your energy fighdng internal battles
with vilified. disowned selves. love them and integrate their
energy inco who you are . By aligning with these selves and
uncovering their positive intent (the gifcs that they ultimately
wane to give you). you will be able to use their energy to handle
the external challenges that lire will throw at you.
52
A
T 10 Y & \,t.,C ~ RORRI N
I
Seep 3: Discover and Appreciate Your Disowned Personalities
Dis-idemify with some of your primary personalities. and
create space (0 tap into the energy of what you have disowned.
For example, if you are a "giver," learn to "receive ." When you
welcome the part of you that you've previously made wrong. the
charge is gone and you stop attracting its reciprocal.
Slep 4: Recl aim Your 'If ue Self
Re-align and adjust yo ur personalities to create the life you
desire.
Slep 5: Integrate Your Personalities to Be Your 'Ifue Self
Negoliare with your primary personalities [0 embrace and accept
your disowned personalities.
"1he real war is on the battlefield of our own souls. "
-Gandhi
~\Z) ~4AK1Nli 10 tOVE MAKING
53
Q
The Real lOU
ow would it feel if those disowned parts weTe really dominant in your life
more often? Or how would it feel jf different parts were connected together
and giving you energy rather than taking it? How wouJd it fed if you appreciated
and acknowledged those orner parts? What could you achieve? What could you
enjoy? How wou ld it transform your relationship? How would it feel to know
that by reclaiming me energy of your personalities, you could expand what is
already within you and express more of who you really are?
H
By answering the questions below, you will begin the journey back (O the core
of the authentic and unique you:
Step 1: Discover Your Primary Personalities
I. Make a list of the primary personalities that have driven you for most
of your life. What personalities afC currently running your show?
2. Where were you 10 years ago? Idemify your primary personalides.
What p~rsonalities UH" in charge? What was th~ birgest part ofyou that
was being expressed at that tim~?
54
A.N T iON)' N \A(.I ROB"I ....
3. Whaes changed in (he lase 10 years? What p~onalitj~s a" more
dominant? Which on~ a" kss dominant? Whats shifud? Whats b~ttn?
What; mort challenging>
Step 2: Accept Each Personality as Part ofYourself
Step 3: Discover and Appreciate YOllc Disowned Personalities
4. What are parts of you that you'v e disowned? Who pisser you off What
qualiri~ in oth~ annoy you? Who could you nron- b~? W'hat kind ofp~on
t/() you lik. or dislik, inunstly'
5. When you were growing up. whom did you wane love from the most?
M AKING ro lOVE MAkINl,
55
2Q
6. Who could you never be for that pa rentlloved o ne? What qunliti~s
would n~v~r be app"citlud by th,m? What art qualities that would be
"'w that Y0lt wanud significanu
dislik<d and disnpprov<d by th. sOurc< of
or urtainty from?
7. AIe there any similarities becween me qualities you dislike in others and uu:
qualities this person wou ld never have you have?
Step 4: Reclaim Your 'fr ue Sdf
8. What kind of person did you have to be [0 get Jove from the person
you wanted love from rhe most? W hat did you have to do?
56
A
T Hl~
& S........ l ROBBI
9. Who are [he kinds of people you really like coday?
10. What do you want your personalities co be moving forward? If your
life is going co be everything you wane it (0 be, what do you need for
the next 5 (0 10 years? What p~onaliti(j do you nud to add? Is that a
p",onality that ycu'v, disown.d that ifycu tooN on tl" m"KY ofit, ycur
lift would go to th~ nat klJ~'? What p~rsonal;ti~r nud to bt dominant OV"
tl" n<x,5
'0 10 y,an? Why? How will ycur lifo b, mhanud?
TO lov
1\1AK!\.I\..
S7
2Q
58
ANTH ONY & SAGE ROBBIN'
Your
Relationship
Action Plan
KlNCr fO l..JVE M,\K "'"
.9
:q
Your Relationship Action Plan
1. What is the bigges t d istinction you have made abo ut yo ur ow n
rela tio nship ?
2. W hat have yo u lea rned abo ut yo urself?
60
A
I !-tONY & SAGE RORBIN
3. What have you learned abom your partner?
4. What are you commined ro doing today ro make your relationship
more vibram and loving?
M K N • TO lOVE MAKING
61
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62
A
THONY & SAL~ ROBt\
S
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\..I
TO lC'\-
MAKIN
Q
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ANTHON\: &. SA<A R<.ll;l.P,1
•
Iiii'. ROBB I NS RESEARC H INTE RNAT IONAL. I N C:
J(!)'
AN ANT II ONY ,," O •• IN $ CO M PAN Y
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C 2010 Robbn RIIeIrc:t1Intemaban11,Int M rI!,'tIIS r--..d. 137<&88