Defusing Conflict
Through Conversation
Presented by:
Jill Weisensel, M.S.
Verbal Defense and Influence Consultant
What IS Verbal Defense
and Influence?
"The single biggest problem with
communication is the illusion
that it has taken place."
-George Bernard Shaw
Establishing A Social
Contract
<
> =
The Art of Representation
The “Showtime”
Mindset
“Emotional
Equilibrium”
“RE-spect Vs. Respect”
Personal Face
vs.
Professional Face
Breakout One
Who do you represent?
What hats do you wear and what
“roles” do you play?
How do you leave work at work and
home at home?
Sorry.
That must have been a
miscommunication…
The burden
of communication is ON YOU!
At best, mitigated speech keeps us “artificially comfortable.”
At worst it can kill us.
Mitigated Speech
1. Command: “Exit here and go to McDonalds.”
The most direct way of communicating a point. It’s zero mitigation.
2. Team Obligation Statement: “We should go to McDonalds.”
The use of the word “we” is less direct and is “softer” communication.
3. Suggestion: “I think we should go to McDonalds.”
Implicit in this statement is “we’re in this together” and I think this
is a good idea.
As noted by Malcolm Gladwell in his book: Outliers.
Mitigated Speech
4. Query: “Where would you like to eat?”
A “softer suggestion,” because the speaker is conceding that he or she is
not in charge.
5. Preference: “I’d like to go to McDonalds.”
A personal preference, but more direct.
6. Hint: “Are you hungry?”
A “hint” is the most mitigated a statement can be.
Street Truth #1
People never say what they mean … especially
when they’re upset.
What’s normal is talking normally, but…
RESPOND to the meaning,
Don’t REACT to the words.
Street Truth #2
2 people = 6 people…
Who’s perspective matters the MOST?
From The Receiver’s
Point Of View
Content
=
7-10%
Voice
=
33-40%
O.N.V.
=
50-60%
(Other Non-Verbals or “Paraverbals”)
Street Truth #3:
93% = Delivery Style
So non-verbal behavior
really matters?
• 50 - 60%
• Body Language
• Proxemics: Spatial Relations and Barriers
If there’s a contradiction between what someone is
saying and their non-verbal behavior…
which should you believe?
It’s Not What You Say,
It’s HOW You Say It!
“I never said He stole the money.”
“People Hear what they See, and
Remember how they felt.”
“But what’s in a word? Really?”
360 Degree
Proxemic Management
The Universal Greeting
1. Appropriate greeting with their name, if known
2. Identify yourself/affiliation, if unknown to the person
3. Explain the reason for the contact
4. Ask a relevant, if needed
5. Ask for their name/identification, if needed/unknown to you
Breakout Two
Think of time when this strategy could
have come in handy.
In pairs, practice the Universal Greeting
according to your position.
The Persuasion Sequence
1.
Ask
2.
Tell them why you are asking (set the context)
3.
Give options
4.
Confirm their decision
5.
Act
How To Handle Verbal Resistance
and “Awkward Communication”
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“I appreciate that, but . . .”
“I understand that; however. . .”
“I hear that, and. . .”
“I got that; however. . .”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, and . . .”
“Unfortunately, someone gave you some bad information.”
“That statement surprises me. Could you please clarify
what you just said?”
Note: Combination phrases work best
Anatomy of a Verbal Assault
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Why do people verbally assault you?
Professional and Personal Face
Who should have access to your Personal Face?
Ego is the “on ramp” to Personal Face
What types of verbal attacks do people generally use to
verbally assault you?
• How can you render the verbal assault impotent?
A concept created by Doug Haig, Verbal Judo National Trainer
Types of Verbal Assaults
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Authority
Profanity
Personal Threats
Family Safety
Other Staff Members
Physical Features
Age
Sex / Sexuality
Skill / Competence
Education
Economic Status
Religion
ETC.
Engagement Phrases
“The team needs you and expects more from you.”
“This is “X-school.” That is not what we are about.”
“I hope no one talks about you like that.”
“You may not have offended me, but your words/actions/behaviors,
may have offended someone else.”
“Could you clarify what you just said, I’m not sure I understood that
correctly?”
“I know you are better than that.”
“You know that’s not OK.”
Engagement Phrases
“Wow, do you really feel that way about “x” person/group/behavior?”
“I didn’t expect that from you.”
“We’re friends right?”
“We’ve always been able to work things out in the past.”
“I appreciate you doing/saying “x,” but…”
“I know you’re a reasonable person.”
“Would you work with me here?”
“This is good for you, good for me, and good for everybody/the team/”x”
school.”
Engagement Phrases
“Could I chat with you for a moment?”
“How can I help/how can we fix this if you keep yelling at me?
“Could you please explain to me what is going on from your
perspective/as you see it?”
“Please be careful, I care about you.”
“Right now, this is a small issue; let’s work together so it doesn’t
become “x.”
“That didn’t necessarily offend me, but it may have offended
someone else.”
“Hey now, take it back, you didn’t really mean that did you?” “Well,
why?”
Breakout Three
Think of a time when these strategies
would have come in handy.
In pairs, practice the Persuasion
Sequence or Deflectors according to
your position.
WII FM Radio
“The Greed Principle”
“If they have something to gain or lose, you have
something to use.”
Here’s One More…
“Be loyal to the absent.”
And Remember…
“The Grass Isn’t Greener on the
other side…
It’s Greener Where You Water it.”
Thank you for your time!